You Want What?? More Insane Requests from Freelance Clients

I can’t help myself. I find the most outrageous requests from buyers online for freelance writing. I want to say, “What do they think? That we writer’s are idiots??” But sadly, there ARE writer’s BIDDING on these ridiculous requests!

I need some poetry written. Poetry needs to be entered in competitions in my name and I will pay for all poetry that wins either the major or minor prizes. (In other words, he has no intentions of paying you for your work unless YOUR poetry wins a prize. This guy asked me to give him a sample of my writing by telling him 20 tips on writing poetry. I told him I did not give away my work for free.)

I want 3 books that are all connected- they’ll be volumes 1-3. Ideally minimum of 40 pages each but more than happy if there is more, if justified. Ideally I would like the project completed in one month(?) but its negotiable. (120 pages or more researched, written, edited, proofread – all in one month. Uh-huh….)

ACADEMIC WRITING Must be 100% original, grammatically correct and on the subject. Regular work for the right person/team. Up to $1.5 per page of 275 words. There will be fines if deadlines are not met or if the work is plagiarized or something of the sort. Looking for a person who can do at least 5 pages per day. Payment (no escrow) once the work is approved and paid for. (Oh there is too much in here to rant about! 1. Don’t do academic writing – it is just wrong to do other people’s schoolwork for them. 2. $1.50 per page for research, writing, editing, and giving away my rights – get a clue, pal. 3. There will be fines – Oh, yeah, I really want to work for this person. 4. No escrow – in other words, he/she refuses to prove they have the means to pay your fee when the work is complete. Don’t do it!)

Looking for a funny and creative ghostwriter to write my book. I want to see how you would write a chapter…..please submit only original work. (THIS IS A NO-NO! Never, I repeat NEVER, give away your work for free. If providers submit this guy sample chapters, he is gonna run with their work and never look back!)

For this job I will be giving out 20 articles (400 words each) to be written initially. Followup work will be granted based on the expectations I set out for the first 20 articles. Bids above $3 per 400 words ($.0075 per word) will likely not be taken into serious consideration due to budget restraints. (Yeah, so this guy has budget restraints. Try feeding your kids on what you are offering to pay, buddy – talk about budget problems!)

Published by: Karen Y. Hamilton

Walt Whitman says about his autobiography, Specimen Days “…At any rate I obey my happy hour’s command, which seems curiously imperative. May-be, if don’t do anything else, I shall send out the most wayward, spontaneous, fragmentary book ever printed.” This is what I feel at this juncture of my life, the need to gather together memories of my ancestors as well as my own memories into some semblance of order. Because all of those fragments, all of the fragments that make up any life, become stories. I am the mother of three sons, who affectionately (I hope!) call me 'gypsy mom' because I tend to wander around a bit soaking in the universe's wonders. I am currently working towards an MFA in Creative Writing at Florida Atlantic University. I have published essays with Heritage Press, Florida Living, and the St. Pauls Review. I am currently working on a book of poems about the Florida Everglades pioneers and a memoir about grief and the bonds of friendship. I live in my hometown, Jupiter, Florida and work as a freelance writer and curriculum specialist.

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